An editor recently asked me for a headshot. He gave me about an hour’s notice and I am not the kind of person who has a portfolio of pictures available. Most of the photos taken of me in the last twelve years were taken minutes after I had given birth. These are not the most flattering photos of me (imagine my chagrin when I discovered that Dave actually emails them to people) and not suitable for publication.
So I asked my intrepid photographer Katie to pitch in and take a photo of her mother. Katie has a nifty little camera and a good eye so a few clicks later we had a selection.
I loaded the photos on to my new laptop with it’s new software and there I was on my new bigger screen. Except…
Who is that?
That lady there with the ((gasp)) crows feet and ((it can’t be)) a few gray hairs. And where in the name of all that is holy did that other chin come from?
Who is this woman and how did she get in Katie’s camera?
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally oblivious to the ravages of time. I entered my fourth decade last year and with that came some realizations. I have accepted that my figure will never again be, despite great effort, girlish. Or even close to that. Matronly is about what I would call it. I know that when I hit forty my metabolism tipped it’s cap to me and jauntily retired to Florida to wear white shoes and play shuffleboard. "Don’t go," I cried, "there is still much to be done." But off it went anyway and abandoned me to the fate of forever starving myself to lose 4 ounes a month. I have accepted that I now spend large amounts of money on undergarments that have nothing to do with lace and everything to do with Lycra.
But my face? Come on. I’m not ready for that. There is nothing you can really do about that. I know about all the ungents and potions that are tantalizingly displayed in the drug stores and department stores. I know I can spend a lot of time and money on that kind of thing and like my weight loss it will slowly (as in evolutionary type time) have some effect but that’s not what I want.
I want my face back.
My twenty-something face.
If anyone sees it out there please send it on home, it’s missed and I will welcome it heartily. There is also a substantial reward for my metabolism.